MY TINY

Two years ago today, I woke to find my sweet Tiny dying on the living room floor.
He was just lying there, unable to do anything...walk, eat, drink , nothing.

But he knew I was there, talking to him,petting him, telling him
what a good boy he was and always had been, 

Telling him how much I loved him, and how sorry I was to not know
that I should have given him more food. The vet, when she had diagnosed him

with Diabetes, said to take him off the dry food which had always been
his and his Mommy's diet, and to give him canned food, every two hours , 

or his blood sugar would go down to a dangerous level, and he might die .
So, I didn't question it, just went ahead and switched his food from dry to wet.

His mother had always eaten the same food, so now, since it would have been
difficult to feed them separately, with different foods, Mommy got the same diet.

After a short while, I noticed that Tiny was putting on weight, losing
the cute little body shape he'd had, but I kept on feeding him every 2 hours,

as the vet had said to do.

Oh yes, I forgot to mention that she had put him on Insulin , too, so each morning, 
and each night, we had to stick him with a needle, and, at times, we could see

that it hurt him. But, not once, did he ever lash out to scratch or bite us !                               
He had to endure that for months, all the while gaining a huge amount of weight.

and couldn't groom  himself any longer.  He would try to bend over, but 
was just too fat. It finally got so bad that he was running around, frantically,

trying over and over to take care of his grooming needs.
I decided then and there, without consulting the vet, to cut back on the canned,

or wet, food, and mix it with some dry food, and cut the amount, also .
I thought this would help Tiny lose all that excess weight, 

and get back to looking normal .  He did seem to be losing weight, but was 
coming to me to ask for more food, pretty constantly. 

I had determined that I would help him lose weight, and lose that fat, 
so paid no attention to his pleas for more food. 

In fact, I became annoyed with him, thinking he just wanted to eat
a lot, as he had been doing before, but it was my thinking that he would

get fatter again, and be in the same situation of not being able to groom .
Mommy was fat, too, so I thought the new regimen would help her

shed some pounds, also !  Add to this, that Tiny was still peeing
on the floor, all around the house, and that was dismaying.

My caregiver would see the dried pee spots everywhere, and would
get the mop and clean the floors . This was going on ever since before Tiny

was diagnosed . It isn't pleasant to have animal pee everywhere, and 
I was getting very frustrated with him. At one point in time, Mommy 

got outside, into the back yard. I panicked, because she and Tiny were
always INDOOR cats, never going outside.  Well, I couldn't get her

to come into the house, so I thought I'd just take a chance, and leave
her out there. She didn't run away, so it wasn't long before I started

letting both of the kitties outside ...they absolutely LOVED that...
they enjoyed the grass, and the sun, and Linda's garden, etc.

so it became a regular thing..the kitties going out there with the pups !
With Tiny peeing in the house, although he was still also using the litter box, 

it was a relief to have him go outside, and do some of his business 
out there, instead of in here. But, he still did a lot of peeing in here,

and I was getting upset about that. I started scolding him, which 
I'd never done in all his years with us  ... . They were the best kitties, and 

had never, ever done anything to upset us . They had the best disposition
of any animal we'd ever owned .

So, there I was, fussing at that sweet Baby Boy, as I often called him, and making 
him feel very confused as to why I was suddenly scolding him,

when I'd never done that before.
Another thingI forgot to mention, was that, around the time Tiny was

diagnosed with diabetes, I got my Fluffy, due to the death of my former son-in-law,
who had been given the puppy as a Christmas gift. He died 2 months later.

So, I inherited this adorable puppy, who was the sister of Linda's
equally adorable puppy, and I kept the name he had given her, Fluffy.

Well, I was enamored of this beautiful puppy, just 3 months old, as was
her sister, Amber, whom my daughter had received for the. same Christmas.

Well, I was quite taken by this little fluff ball, and would be trying to play
with her, and there would come Tiny, meowing for food, too often, I thought,

so I would get annoyed at that, and didn't treat him the way he should have been treated,
being as sick as he was. He'd always been the sweetest kitty ever, he and his Mom both, 

and they were like dogs, in their devotion to me. They would lie at my feet often
or beside me on the sofa, or in my bed at night. All that changed when Tiny

developed diabetes, and started peeing all over. Then, I had to shut both
kitties out of my room, and tried to keep Tiny off the sofa, as he had peed

on it a few times. Thank goodness, I've kept it covered with 2 sofa covers and have
a heavy pad on the seat, to protect the sofa from all the animals.

So, my poor kitties had their lives turned upside down, with Tiny's illness, and the
newness of pups around...Tiny had never seen a dog, so it was all new to him.

but they all got along famously, Linda's Foxy, her first dog here, having made 
friends with the kitties right away.

So, here I was, giving the new pups a lot of attention, while letting my
precious Tiny, beg for more food, because he was hungry. He had been losing the extra weight, and 

that made me happy for him. I was so determined to not let him get fat again,
that I refused to give him more food, thinking I was helping him to get back 

to where he could groom himself again . I didn't realize that he was really hungry, and not
just be trying to annoy me and get more attention from me. I was giving so much

attention to the puppies, that I was depriving my precious Baby Boy of the
kind of attention he needed ! I was most often annoyed with the peeing and the begging,

that I just took good attention away from him, and lavished it on the puppies !
Tiny got the angry, annoyed attention from me, instead of the loving kindness

I'd always given him before the illness and before the puppies.
what the HELL was wrong with me ?!!!

That beautiful, sweet, precious little boy was suffering from, not only
the ravages of diabetes, and having to suffer being pricked with a needle

twice a day, he was suffering from what he must have felt was a lack of love
from Mother, the name I called myself to the kitties, as Mommy was his

mother cat's name. I had no clue that he was slowly starving to death, 
because he needed more food to keep his  blood sugar up. 

If only I had known, I'd have changed his diet and given him more so
that he would get enough, but not too much.  He had lost all that fat,

and I had been adamant that he was not going to get fat again!
I did not know that I'd harmed him by withholding extra food .

But, there he was, on June 1st, dying on my floor.  He wouldn't let me
pick him up. I wanted to hold him, tell him I loved him, and apologize 

for being mean and scolding him for peeing, and begging, and to tell
him what a precious boy he was, and how good he was and kiss him and hold him

until the end.  But he didn't want that, He heard me talking to him, saw me 
hovering over him, telling him all these things. He even flicked his tail 

when I called him my Baby Boy .  Fluffy came over to where he lay, and
proceeded to lick his head and face . It was so sweet and I had the feeling that 

she was saying goodbye to her friend. Amber and Foxy smelled him, but didn't
lick him, as Fluffy had done.  Being that it was Sunday, I thought that if Linda

would be able to take him to the emergency vet, he would pass away on the way there, so thought it would be better to keep him here, with his family, who all loved him ! 

I had called Linda earlier, as soon as I saw how bad Tiny was, and she came over for a while,
but, as he was holding on, she decided to go home to do things there.

Well, Tiny finally did get up, and wobbled his way to the water bowl and took a little drink.
He was so thin, and so weak, that he collapsed, and kept trying to get to the water bowl. I

I put some water in a small Tupperware bowl and put that beside his head, but
he had become too weak to even lift his little head. He would crawl to the big water bowl and rest his 

head on the rim, but not drink. He was beyond being able to do that. Still, he wouldn't
let me pick him up and hold him. I wanted to, so badly.  All I could do was speak to him

and pet him   This went on all through Sunday night, and on through to Monday morning. 
He'd finally gotten into the kitchen, and was lying there, with his front paws twitching 

and twitching, all night long, as I sat helplessly, watching the life go out of that most
precious little boy . When he finally stopped twitching, I was able to pick him up, and his little head 

just rolled back, over my shoulder. I held him for the rest of the time, and his body released all the waste matter, and he was gone !

My beautiful, most precious little boy ,
who had been nothing but angelic in his behavior, was gone from this life. 

I'll never forgive myself for not seeing that my beloved Tiny was deteriorating
right before my eyes, and I was too blind to see what was happening !

I loved that kitty with all my heart, but I let my love for the new puppies
overshadow that, and, instead, became mean and annoyed with that

precious soul who had loved me unconditionally, always. 
I have spoken aloud to him,  telling him how sorry I am for being too stupid to see what he needed, 

I've asked his forgiveness, and pray that he will see me when and if I
. get to go to the Rainbow Bridge

You were the best Baby Boy in my world, my precious Tiny, and Mother will 
never forget you, my sweet Baby Boy.


I love you, my sweet Tiny.